I've been in the ~zone~ with grinding because I wanted to get Tsukasa in time for his birthday in JP, and I did. I actually got him last night, so I had to wait until this morning to unlock him :T BUT!!!! I did!!! So now I get to coast through the last few days of the event and hopefully pick up a few MV crystals along the way.

anyway this is image heavy cuz it's a lot of gameplay screencaps sorry XD


ta-da!!!! second Tsukasa center event I've played on JP now~!


aaaaaaand I got Leo up to rank B during it!!! I took full advantage of double fans for Knights to work on some of his cards ♥


I solo'd Nozomi from the MELLOW DEAR US CD art banner, which was well timed...since I was running out of room for fans on cards of his already..........


so with that, I was able to finish up him and Mashu for the 10k fans campaign!!!! 100 plays for each of them......I've played a lot of enstars in the past month I guess XD I'm almost done with Juis and Chitose, too!
As a sidebar to accomplishments, can I just say how surprised I am that MATRIX is so popular on the ENG server???? The reaction online when it ran in JP was just so incredibly negative that I expected it to be less so. Like, I have over 8 mil points and I’m not even close to the top 200, which is much closer to...idk, how Altered was last year? I’m not upset - I actually liked MATRIX, lmao - I’m just pleasantly surprised, I guess.

So maybe now I can finally say that I enjoyed it without be crucified XD I guess, as always, internet culture is fickle and the few loudest people are assumed to be the majority.

ANYWAY. On that note, onto ENG server wins!!!


hi Hiiro #2 that I still haven't worked on because I'm out of large blue pieces...I did work on Rinne #2 cuz he still gets pulled for some of my JP lineups. so I'm honestly quite excited to have him in ENG~


idk why this specific song is so hard, but Love's Primavera was the society song last night and I finally got a full combo on Expert :T
Overall, a good enstars weekend~ We've been working on cleaning up the computer room some as well, but it's still in progress...pics later probably! It's at a state I could write in easily, but I haven't yet...despite---

OH MY GOD WAIT I THINK I FORGOT TO SHARE THAT I FINISHED AND PUBLISHED A FIC LAST WEEK!!!!!!!!!! I was inspired at 5:30 am to the point that I couldn't sleep, so I got out of bed and wrote like a man possessed. I managed to write something I was actually proud of for the first time in a bit, too ;w;

It's kohamada and angsty because, idk man, that's my bread and butter XD BUT IT'S GOOD!!!!!!!!!!! Everyone read my fanfic~

Title: a scarred heart
Series: Ensemble Stars!
Characters: Kohaku/Madara
Rating: Teen
Word count: 1550
Tags: introspection, lightly experimental, drabble
Summary:

If every time he loves, it falls apart eventually, and he’s left staring at the raw wound that refuses to truly heal. It scars and it scars and it’s still there, the heartbreak of a lifetime.

Or—

Charitably, the love of a lifetime.

.........this is a really long entry about a bunch of shit, sorry not sorry y'all~ Here's my contribution to this week's MegaPhoto Battle as a reward:

hehe it's the sex number

Hi, sorry, I've been lost to the Pokopia dimension XD Real talk, I've been unable to put it down, and I only managed to get through the JP enstars event through sheer force of desire to have New Characters.

so yeah that was cool but pokemon is my life now XD

ALSO OH MY GODDDDDDDDDD I can't get too into it because I'm already zested, but the end of Trigun Stargaze? Way to shit on everything Stampede built up...and like, I didn't even like Stampede that much compared to 98 and the manga. And yet this was worse! It was so much worse that I it's been hours and I'm still enraged + baffled at the choices.

ughhhhhhhhh

I'm gonna paraphrase some of Liz's thoughts because they made really good ones and my brain is mush from frustration. But like. Stargaze has a lot of the same problems Stampede had with pacing and tone, but magnified to such an extreme that I can't take it seriously. I was honestly trying to give it a chance because so many people were hating on it + it took me awhile to get on board with Stampede, but yikes. This is...not a good anime. So much of it felt like "hey you know that scene from trimax that you loved? we recreated it without any understanding of what made it good or impactful!!! that's what you wanted, right?????"

And so then the final episode was all of that and more. There was a mostly mediocre, uninspired space battle + Vash and Knives fighting, and like okay. I know Trigun is DEEP SPACE PLANET FUTURE GUN ACTION but it's not all just......firing lasers in space, you know? I hate space lasers but Trigun made me love the setting, and Stargaze absolutely didn't. There was no Chronica and Domina - which I predicted, but I'm still disappointed - and we did the stupid fucking "pan over every named character to see what they're doing during the Big Fight™ as a way to pretend they're still important to the action" that I haaaaaaaaate.

ALSO. I'M SORRY. Vash would not try to coerce Knives into dying with him/committing suicide together. Like??????????? THAT'S NOT VASH THE STAMPEDE!!!! That's something Knives would pull, yeah, but it just felt sooooooo OOC in a way to seem ~edgy~ or something, idk. But I guess since Knives died to save Vash, it's "fine" and he's "redeemed" or whatever because he was sad about it, weh weh. GIMME A BREAK.

Don't even get me started on how they did Legato dirty. His death was had no fucking weight because they never did anything to build him up into a threat!!!!! He basically never became more than Knives's thirstiest follower, and that's an insult to his character. He's got more depth and yeah, he's a terrible person, but Stargaze pretty much made him into a generic anime villain who's just evil and gay coded. Thanks. That's totally all there is to Legato.

So, yeah, Knives's death was just. Shrugs. It didn't feel like anything. And that's kinda how most of Stargaze felt!!! And like they just couldn't properly decide what they were doing, so it just.....didn't matter? Are doing an everyone lives AU? Not for long! We can't actually save everyone, we better kill off the """irredeemable""" ones!! And we can't do anything with the ones we let live, especially Wolfwood, so they can just....stand around, I guess? You like that, right?

NO. I DON'T LIKE THAT AT ALL, STUDIO ORANGE. How could you do this to me ;w;

Oh but of course we have to find a way to shoehorn in the ending of Trimax, even though we'd been in the middle of a tonally different conversation. Tonal whiplash is the best way to tell a story, you know! And then we've got the final shot of Vash doing his signature ✌🏻 with the crossed fingers cuz we gotta check all the boxes!!! This is how you make Trigun Good, right?

I also hate that basically everyone but a select few scientists are leaving Nomans Land??? Like....okay yeah it wasn't great there, but it feels like it's missing the theme of human determination and making something beautiful out of a less than ideal situation. Just another example of Stargaze missing the mark!!!!!!!

okay. okay. I gotta stop because I have to eat lunch and get some writing done I was just so upset I had to write it out.

I really thought this entry would be shorter oops

ON A FINAL, GOOD NOTE, TODAY MARKS THE FIRST DAY OF MATRIX IN ENGSTARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was one of the few people who really liked it and I remember posting about it as it was coming out...an early liveblog of enstars ;w; Very nostalgic, very good. I'm looking forward to reading it properly now that it's out on the ENG server~

And I'm finally gonna try to type of the popstar Knives AU I wrote in.....2023.......................


sittin' at my desk and everything!!!!

drags hands down face uggggggggggghhhhh this is the continual "I'm super behind on homework" rant where I do nothing to fix it

okay no that's sorta a lie, I'm trying to write currently but it's so fucking slow going and I have class in an hour and it's not even the homework for that class so life is just really hard, okay

could it be made easier by me not playing enstars 24/7? uhhhhh no then my depression might catch up with me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm currently working on a new layout!!!! I've got the base theme all installed but it's very......pink...........and I'm planning on working on some graphics for it that will not be very pink XD It's gonna be Knives and Legato, manga edition, once I get off my ass and open up Photoshop.

I'm just hungrryyyyyy ;w;

Other than that, I've gotten some writing done today and spoke to another roofer. yay. Gotta love house spouse life XD

I'm still without mental health meds, but at least I'm done with school for the semester...it didn't turn out great and I'm not really ready to dive into talking about it, but it's done.

This past week has been really productive around the house though!!!!!!! I've cleaned up so much!! It started because Pat found a FREE lovesac couch on craigslist, we drove halfway across the city to pick it up, and it revolutionized my bedroom. It's the size of our big couch in the living room, but since their couches are all sectionals, we split it into two small ones: one for the library and one of my bedroom.

AND IT IS LIFE CHANGING

Because of my shitty back problems, I have very few places I can sit. I can't stand around for long and I don't want to have to lay in bed to hang out in my own bedroom. But lovesac's couches are so fucking comfortable, I can sit on them for hours without being in pain. And now we have a small one under our window! And because of that, I was able to sit on it and, with the help of Pat, Liz, and Chi, go through ALLLLLL of our laundry that's been on the floor for months. OUR ROOM IS CLEAN. WE CAN ACCESS ALL OUR CLOTHES AGAIN!!!! IT'S SO NICE TO BE IN!!!!!

I also finally unpacked all my jewelry from when we moved in last spring and I feel so fanciful. I feel like I can actually accessorize what I'm wearing again ;w;

ALSO VERY COOL: Liz's birth father gave us a projector a few months back and now we can use it to watch anime on our bedroom wall :D




uhhhhh I'm on DW because 1) I haven't updated in weeks and 2) I'm procrastinating taking a break from writing/coding for the next chapter of Finding Hope Like Bleeding Cowboys at Destiny's Crossroads, aka "Gunsmoke High" aka the Trigun LJ AU. I have to make so many icons and I never want to code a playlist again and I know I will XD

WHERE DID ALL OF SPRING BREAK GO?????

Okay, like, I know where it went and I'm gonna do a rundown of it later, but still!!! I don't have time to do it now because SURPRISE: I put off all my homework until now and I have class in two hours and why am I like this.

Probably because my ADHD meds are still on backorder.

But I did manage to write some fic over break!! I did some 3 sentence fics and more importantly, published my 169th fic on AO3. I specifically wrote cannibalism because like, okay, that's kinda my weird brand and apparently the 69th fic I published was also cannibalism and that's just who I am as a person.

(how did I not have a cannibalism tag on here already?)

So that's cool :D I'm very pleased with what I wrote and I probably should have focused on homework but I did not. And that's that XD I'm working on reading through a million pages of poetry for class now, so I'll bust out at least some of what I need to do before class.

And probs later this week write up what I did during spring break (besides go to NYC and get high), because I do wanna hold onto it. I just have pictures to go through and shit like that, so it's taking awhile.

been exceedingly mentally unwell about Trigun, especially Knives and Legato because I don't know how to pick a popular fucking ship sometimes and like, whatever, I don't care, because this is where I am. Because I sat down to work on homework yesterday and thought I could write a little bit of fanfic as a warmup. Because I couldn't just write it as a warmup and I couldn't stop myself, either.

And because now it's 11 am and I went to sleep at 4 am because I did finish what I was writing and it is absolutely one of the best things I've written- not just of this ship or even Trigun but in general: it is fantastic.

It's everything I've been playing around with in terms of experimental formatting and blending prose + poetry + snippets of weirdness and it's a beautiful culmination of years of practice and going to school for this sort of thing.

It's "I've been writing fanfiction for 20+ years and I finally feel like it shows in the best way"

It's "I've been writing since before I understood how important it is and it shows"

It's "I've been writing and writing and writing and writing and now I'm here and I want all of you to experience it with me"

It's being obsessed with characters and a ship that is grossly overlooked and deciding that no, that's not good enough: I can't stop thinking about them and I'm gonna make it everyone's problem.

waltz of the damned

Legato sparkles so terribly brightly.

a composition in 9 movements

I've been lost in thought the past few days - probably in no small part because I haven't been getting enough sleep lmao - and I've had something positive come from it, at least! I've been writing fanfiction before I even really knew what it was, but I didn't start posting it online until late 2003 (so yes I'm coming up on 20 fucking years of putting fic on the internet)

And like, that's a lot.

But also...I ended up doing a breakdown of how much I've written and when. Because I took a four year break due to Life™ and for awhile, I had it in my mind that I wrote sooooo much more before. I felt like I was writing shit all the time as a teenager!!! But I guess that isn't the case.

From 2003-2011, I published 23 fics (30 if you count the individual drabbles in drabble collections)

insert life related break here (where I still wrote some but never published anything)

From 2015-2023, I published 141 fics (226 if you count the individual drabbles in drabble collections)

And that's a huge difference!!! Each of those chunks of time is 8 years but I wrote so, so much more during the second one. Which is great!!!! I can really see in a solid, measurable number why my writing has improved besides just being older, I guess.

Part of it definitely comes from learning to deal with my ADHD (especially getting medicated for it) and being with someone who is supportive of my writing not just with reading it, but by writing together as well. I've managed to learn how to finish more things but I'm also writing a hell of a lot more than I used to (nervously looks at pile of wips).

So like....I dunno, I'm rambling before 10 am when it feels like it's even earlier thx to the bitch that is daylight savings time AND I keep staying up until like 4 in the goddamn morning due to shitposting about Trigun but like...here I am in my 9 am class rambling about writing and time and how glad I am that I kept at it, because it's such a huge part of my life.

I can update this or write in my diary, and guess which one is more convenient? XD Someday I'll actually upkeep all aspects of my life, but.....not today, lmao.

Last week I got my first vaccine shot!! Pat got his yesterday and Liz gets theirs tomorrow, so we'll all be fully vaccinated around the same time :D I'm looking forward to a better summer than last year, at the very least!!!

Speaking of that- Liz and I went to the mall for the first time in like, a year, and caught up with some of the employees at the Hot Topic, who were super excited to see us :D The store manager is fantastic and I've actually known her since college, she's been there so long. So that was really nice ;w;

We're once again short-staffed at work because a bunch of people called out and some of our newly hired people aren't as reliable as expected >< So that's been fun!!! Probably gonna have to work an extra day again this week, which I'm super not thrilled about. Just....bluh. I dunno, is it so hard to find people who work out????

In better news, I actually wrote and posted a drabble this week!!! I joined chenqing_100 and managed to write something for the first prompt. I'm really hoping I can use drabbles to get back into writing more regularly again, but we'll see. Work burnout has been murderous, and I don't really see it changing any time soon...